Fatima's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘relationships

I assume that people are sick of hearing about my colonoscopy that I had today. Well, it’s over–sort of. I’m still having symptoms though everything was fine. It’s irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and I have to eat a high fiber diet and exercise more. Swell. My exercise but to this point has been walking the dog who doesn’t like to be outdoors much. I live alone and cooking for one person is not easy. I’m not a real veggie person and having a salad or a bunch of veggies for dinner and lunch is not my idea of food. I know I eat too much fast food and sweets. So this is a big change for me. The doctor did give me meds to take but when I gave the prescription to my daughter to get at the pharmacy, I forgot to give her my prescription card and it cost a fortune. So tomorrow I have to go back and see if they can re-run it with my card. It’s worth a try.

My daughter did show up to pick me up but they were running behind and instead of her taking an hour from work, it turned into 2 1/2 hours. She was not thrilled. And told me so. Again. And again. And again. That’s why she refuses to pick me up from bunion surgery, which I’m putting off until I can figure out how to get someone to help me. My sister suggested the hospital social worker. Maybe I’ll try that in the Fall. I don’t want to be in a cast all summer.

She’s now wild because I moved my blog and she can’t read it on Facebook. So she thinks I am writing shit about her. Maybe I am. She didn’t care when I wrote good things about her. I can’t win.

Note to anyone having a colonoscopy. I have had 5 now and last night’s prep and this morning’s was by far the worst I have ever had. They try to keep making things better but it was horrible. I didn’t know how I was going to make the 30 minute ($40) cab ride to the Endoscopy Center. It’s even been bad since I’ve been home. I never want to have another in a REALLY long time. Good luck with yours if and when you have to have one. At least you’re asleep through the procedure.

I suffer from an intestinal disorder. I had collagenous colitis for over a year until it was finally diagnosed and a month or more before it was finally treated. As with most intestinal disorders, it is not pleasant. There were days when I could not leave my house because I had no control. It was the worst year I have ever spent. I was also going through a divorce and a relocation, so the whole situation was horrible.

Every six months to a year, I went to the gastointerologist for a check and after about 3 years, the colitis went away. It felt like a miracle. The meds had worked, although they were bad for my kidneys. When the doctor told me that the colitis was gone, I was thrilled.

About a year and half after I was “clean,” I started what I and my doctor thought was irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), in which one vacillates between constipation and diarrhea. Except I didn’t have much constipation and the diarrhea lasted for weeks. These past two months have been hell. The diarrhea doesn’t stop; I’m back to days where I can’t go out. Depends help but when you have no control, what can you do when you can’t make it to the bathroom. I have tried two different meds and they haven’t worked. So I made an appointment for another colonoscopy, which is Tuesday. The day I made the appointment, the diarrhea stopped. I was fine for 2 weeks, but yesterday it started again. It is all very sudden. I was out with my granddaughters and I had to take them home earlier than I planned because of it.

It stopped during the night (thank God) and I thought things were okay until this morning when I have spent more time in the bathroom than anywhere else. I planned to go to my daughter’s house and the pharmacy but I can’t go anywhere until this lets up. I am so upset about it; I

I almost had a stroke when my daughter, who is angry with me, had her husband say she would not pick me up from my health appointments this week. She finally said she would pick me up for this appointment for the colonosocopy but I had to cancel the surgery, which can wait though I am in pain. I can’t wait to do the prep for the colonoscopy because then there will be nothing left in me and this will stop (I hope).

As for my problems with people picking me up from the hospital when I have procedures, I am taking a cab to the procedure, but it doesn’t solve the other problems. I fear getting sick because I know my daughter won’t be there for me. My sister suggested that I call the hospital social worker and maybe that is a possibility. Joanne also wants me to move back to where I’m from, but honestly I don’t think I could live there. It is a small town and rather provincial, and I don’t think I could survive there. I’m Muslim and this small town is not very welcoming to “strange” people.

My daughter read my blog and since I had blogged about her and her family, she was very angry. So I had to start another blog and hope people follow me to it. She has cit me off. We were supposed to go to a week’s late Mother’s Day Brunch this weekend but that didn’t happen. She wasn’t so much upset at the recent posts as posts I wrote a year ago from a private blog that inadvertently transferred to the public blog. I really let loose in those blogs especially when her husband threw me out of their house after I had house-sat for them and their dog bite be badly and I had a terrible infection from it. They blamed me and said I got bit on purpose so the dog would be quarantined (how ridiculous). We didn’t speak for nearly two months and then at the therapist’s office which wasn’t pleasant. She must not have much to do if she has time to read through 300 posts to get to the bad parts. I would have deleted them if I had known she would see them. I would have written them and then burned them.

She is just like my mother. No matter how much I say I’m sorry and apologize, she says,”You’re not sorry.” She’s like my mother in many other ways and she scares me with her anger the way my mother did. They both have terrible tempers and everything is always about them. Even though my mother has been dead 20 years, thinking about her anger still upsets me. So does thinking about my daughter. We are very different people and I think don’t like each other very much. She remembers every wrong thing I ever did since she was a child and doesn’t hesitate to bring it up. Even when I explain why things happened, it doesn’t seem to matter.

She doesn’t seem to be willing to forgive anything nor does she remember the things I have done for her when she was in dire need of help and there was no one else to help her, as when she left her first husband. I supported her through that with money and as much time as I could. But that wasn’t enough for her. She remembers when I couldn’t be there. I have given her a substantial loan from my retirement so she and current huisband could pay off loans, but stopped making payments until I asked and then stopped again because they had more important things to do like go on vacation, buy iPads, etc. I asked again for payments and offered to extend the loan but she was insulted and said they would mortgage the house to get the money. (They won’t.) My son-in-law did give me a payment yesterday, the first in months, which I appreciate.

Suffise it to say that I don’t feel well physically nor emotionally today. I don’t know what the next weeks and months will hold for us. We have an appointment at the therapist in June; maybe that will help. I hope so. I feel like cutting again, which I haven;t done in a long time, but I don’t know what will relieve the stress. The anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs work up to a point. But this stress is too much.

My former blog was My Life, Such As It Is.

When I went to get the girls for the movies yesterday, the girls gave me a gift for Mother’s Day. We were supposed to go to brunch this weekend but I guess I ruined that because I blogged about my daughter and some of my private blogs ended up in the published one. She is really upset about the blogs. She hung up on my last week and we haven’t spoken since. It breaks my heart. I try to say I’m sorry and please forgive me, but she is so much like my mother, who would say, “You’re not sorry. You don’t mean it.” It was like listening to my mother all over again when I was younger. There is nothing I can do to convince her of my sorrow and regret. I don’t know what to do. What can I do? Slit my wrists (it has occurred to me; I’ve cut before).

The gifts were nice. A shell bracelet (probably from Mexico) and a diamond heart necklace. Both were beautiful. But I couldn’t even say thank you because she stayed upstairs and then went out to dinner. I’ll try today. Her husband came down to give me a loan payment which I appreciate.

I want to say I’m sorry if I have blogged unsavory things about my daughter. Blogs are supposed to let you vent your emotions and out let what you feel so you don’t take it out on your relatives. This sort of backfired, and I’m sorry for it. I will blog more privately because that’s how I deal with problems.

This is also on mu old blog. My Life, Such As It Is..

It’s Saturday. It’s usually movie day for my granddaughters and me and today is no exception. Yesterday we went to see Something Borrowed. It was a good movie; I was a little disappointed in the ending but then that’s how I am. The girls enjoyed it.

We generally like light-hearted movies, nothing too heavy, lots of comedies. There are exceptions, of course. We saw Tron (I thought I was going to die sitting through that movie) and Black Swan (a little too mature for the girls). A couple weeks ago we saw Rio. That was cute. And we saw “Arthur” which, for a remake, was pretty good and they girls enjoyed it.

We like to go to the movies and then go out for lunch where I hear about what’s going on in school. So much of the school stuff is just the same as it was when I was in school, but there are a few differences. Students are much more sophisticated and knowledgeable about so many things today. I am glad to see that students seem to be concerned about the environment and peace than when my daughter was in school, or when I was in school.

We went to Denny’s where they had their usual: double cheeseburger which they inhale. I don’t know how they eat so much so fast and stay so slim. They are preparing for finals at school and then off to Grandpa’s and then on to their dad’s in California. They’ll be gone all summer, which kills me because we spend so much time together.

I had to stop at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and dog food. Thank God we aren’t sending any more care packages to Afghanistan to their dad. I couldn’t deal with the prescription line (there was a woman who was collecting numerous prescriptions for alt least 4 different people and I knew I’d be there half an hour so I left and will go back today). The girls are so good to help carry the dog food and treats.

For Mother’s Day, they gave me a shell bracelet (probably from Mexico) and a diamond heart necklace. My son-in-law came downstairs to give me a payment on the loan and we were pleasant to each other. My daughter was a no-show. It breaks my heart that we can’t have a decent relationship. A lot of it is my fault for blogging about her, especially since my private blog got moved to the public one, and she has a right to be upset. But she is so unforgiving. There is nothing I can do to take it back, so what to do? At least we’re going back to the therapist. Maybe that will help.

I hope to take the girls to the movies next week. It will be our last weekend together. I could cry.

This post can be found on my old blog, My Life, Such as it is.



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